Say it without the drama: 3 ways to master honest conversations at work

In a world drowning in misinformation, honest conversations have never been more important. But how do you start one, without starting a fight?

Our world is increasingly flooded with misinformation. Studies show it spreads farther, faster than the truth, and that people on social media – knowingly or otherwise – are 70% more likely to spread fake stories than real ones. Workplaces are not immune from this misinformation pandemic. Despite everyone agreeing that truth is important, and words like “honesty” and “integrity” appearing in over two thirds of corporate value statements, less than 20% of us trust our leaders to be honest with us. 

To be fair, we’re right to be sceptical. Evidence suggests that almost everyone lies every day, and 60% of us lie more than once every 20 minutes. Consultancies like Deloitte having to refund clients after giving them reports filled with AI-generated hallucinations and misinformation doesn’t help, either.

At the same time, honesty supercharges individual and team performance. Evidence shows more honest cultures are also more innovative, more agile and more profitable. For example, companies with good systems for “integrity management” (which basically just means systems which help ensure people are honest) enjoy up to a 40% performance premium. 

This begs a critical question: in a world where truth is precious, but also an increasingly endangered species, how can we start honest conversations that help us unlock its power? Here are three evidence-based strategies that work.

1 – Don’t assume you know the truth

There is an objective universe that exists outside of our individual preferences and beliefs. The truth very much is, to quote the X-Files, “out there”.  But knowing there is an objective truth “out there” is very different from presuming you are in possession of it. Without doubt, the quickest way to guarantee conflict is to presume you are in possession of the objective and absolute truth – especially if the people around you disagree. 

Nothing gets people’s backs up faster than someone acting like they know everything. If you’re seeking to start an honest conversation about something where there may be disagreement (which are often the most important ones to have), it’s powerful to come from a place of curiosity, rather than a place of judgementalism. Phrases like “the impression I’m getting is this”, or “my current understanding of the situation is that” are good to carry around in your back pocket. This disarms people, avoids triggering defensive instincts, and helps conversations feel more like an exploration than an interrogation.

2 – Make it safe 

Flight data recorders in cockpits show a frightening pattern in the lead-up to many air crashes: often, junior co-pilots know that something is going wrong but don’t speak up directly and honestly to the captain. In other words, they find it hard to tell the truth. So hard in fact that they’d rather – quite literally sometimes! – crash into a mountain than tell the truth.

This is because starting an honest conversation can be scary – scarier even than a plane crash. When we’re scared, deep evolutionary instincts kick in. We all know these instincts: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. None of these are conducive to honest conversation, especially the one called “fight”. So, to start honest conversation without starting conflict, we need make it as safe and unscary as possible. If you’re a manager or leader, you play a massive role, here: the way you act teaches the people around you how to behave around you. For example, President Trump recently received employment numbers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that he didn’t like and promptly fired the Secretary. Good luck getting the next person to tell you the truth if you fired the last one for doing so.

But if you’re not a leader, you still play a role in creating safety by, for instance, picking your moments. Trying to start an honest conversation (especially if it involves tough feedback) is not something you want to blindside someone with or drop on them by surprise in a public setting. This is near-certain to trigger fear responses that guarantee a downwards spiral into conflict. 

3 – make it about yourself, first

We find it easier to have truthful conversations about things that are “out there” (motions at the outside world) versus “in here” (taps heart). For example, we’re generally happier giving feedback to others than hearing it about ourselves. Flipping that script is hugely powerful. 

I once worked with a CEO who received a deeply negative 360^o feedback report. It was brutal feedback. But instead of trying to spin it or burying it in the bottom drawer of his desk, he instead shared the entire, unedited report with the whole company. The effect was profound and extraordinary. One junior person in the team went so far as to say, “in that moment [of sharing the entire report], this leader went from someone I thought was a bad leader to my model for what great leadership looks like”. 

Make the first truthful conversation not about others, but about yourself, and you’ll set the perfect tone upon which to build cultures of honesty.